the femiwriter

Last week my cousin asked me why I started a blog. What did I want to accomplish? He is turning 20 and is well on his way to becoming a feminist ally and meant the question genuinely.

I replied with two reasons. The first I outlined in my first post: I want a venue where I can continue writing and keep my practice accountable to an (albeit small) audience. The second is a more specific purpose—it is a direct reaction to too many conversations I’ve had in the past year. I am tired of being challenged midsentence. I started a blog so I can state my bit, feminist or otherwise, uninterrupted.

I’ve never been good at arguing. I don’t like fighting to prove my point because it has always seemed futile to me. If we’re in a conversation where we’re both trying to be proven “right” (or perhaps the motivator for more volatile conversations, prove the other “wrong”), we’re unlikely to end up on the same page. As far as debate skills go, mine are limited. I’m bad at memorizing statistics, I get flustered when interrupted, I tend to give up before I’ve made my point. I’m not quick or clever. I’m “over-emotional” (though I think my critics undercut the importance of emotion in discussing the oppressions that affect my life or the lives of others; I’ve noticed those who see my getting ‘upset’ as a weakness, tend to be those for whom the topic is merely theoretic rather than a daily reality. Check your privilege before you check into the conversation, sil vous plait). More often than not, I feel defeated when I attempt to verbally articulate my views, not because they are way off based but because I’m not expressing them in way I feel comfortable.

Writing lets me organize my thoughts and take time to reach my point, without the distraction of others “playing devil’s advocate” with matters that are most important to me. This isn’t to say I don’t want to generate discussion. I’m not ignorant enough to think my beliefs should fly by unchecked. My feminism is flexible and constantly expands, shifts and evolves dependant on various contexts and experiences; people’s reactions to my own understanding is what keeps this process in motion. I simply prefer someone take the time to actually hear what I have to say before they provide a response. Note my choice of the word response here, rather than counterpoint, argument or attack. A huge tenant of my personal feminism (which I’ll outline in more detail in a post later this week) is that discussions of social justice are only constructive when they come from a place of dialogue rather than debate. Dialogue is collaborative; debate is oppositional. I want to widen our scopes of knowledge rather than narrowly define knowledge to one “right” answer. Strong disagreement has a time and a place: I know the big fires of social change never came without some sparks, but I prefer to keep this friction out of my one-on-one relationships.

I’m writing this blog because I am tired of defending my beliefs in a context where I am wrong until proven right. I am tired of pulling teeth with friends and acquaintances that wait to pounce on one hesitation or unproven statement. I am writing this blog because I don’t like feeling as though someone is just waiting for their turn to speak, to shut down my comments they failed to hear. I don’t want to feel tuned out or brushed off.

So here’s what I have to say, take it or leave it. If you choose to engage, please take a minute to think about it and reflect on how your own experiences intersect with the subject at hand. Think twice, speak once. Let’s try to find some common ground and maybe try a conversation.